when i descend... ~*

laid to rest.

2006-10-04T05:08:58Z

hey all. this will effectively be my last entry in this journal. It's a closure of a chapter in my life, the memories here - both lovely and painful, I'll always keep.
It's time for greater things and I'm ready. I can't tell you how great it feels like to finally, finally, realise what really ought to matter. We all learn, in due time, that some of what we hold dear hurt more than they help and we grow to always better ourselves- sometimes succeeding, sometimes not.

funny, i'm feeling a tad melancholic somehow. i still write though, in case you're wondering but in a different avenue. it's been a really arduous journey, juxtaposed with bouts of 'enlightenment' and i guess, some things you just gotta learn the hard way.

so i guess this is where i say, "That's all folks!" Wishing everyone all the best in whatever it is you seem to have got your noses into. Oh and before i sign off for the very last time, i have some friendly advice.. ( I actually wanted to post one of my fave poems form Plath, but I'll save you the horror of my fantasies hoho! )

lots of love, liyana~*

the conscience speaks

2006-09-29T02:59:55Z

haha man, was i some one mad, crazed, lunatic bitch last year.

but let's not go there ;)

interlude at this juncture

2006-08-20T16:04:03Z

some friends and i had a conversation of how we were back in school; the times when we squabbled over nothing and everything, how we struggled to fit in in some schoolgirl world fantasy of how -cool- schoolgirls should actually be.

and i never quite fit in.

not with the Populars, not with the Smarts, i was always on the periphery, some bordering-on-fat out-of-shape girl with bunned up hair, jelly thighs, peering thru thick frameless specs trying to figure out friend and foe.

no, this will not turn out to be some whiny, pathethic monologue on how agonising my quite kental lower sec school days were. depressed and depressing as i was, and may well still be, i had quite the best years of my teen life in that wonderful environment beside that old cemetery.
bless them dead folks.
oh how we cheered.

looking back, i see how far ive come.
how ive matured and flourished and found what it really means to feel good in your own skin.
only to realise, there's so much, so much left to conquer.
and its one long road ahead.

god, i have this certain.. exhiliration coursing through my veins.
like im teetering on the edge of some high ledge, about to freefall, not knowing what to expect, the only thing that's for sure is this certain intense joy.. that kind of pumping adrenaline.
is this what it feels like in the last year of teenhood?
if so, its rejuvenating.. i want to embrace everything ahead of me because i know i can, that i'm capable and i have all the friends and support that i may need in facing absolutely anything.. i want to run about, dance madly, laugh, cry, fall, get up again and twirl my young lithe body in supreme ecstasy of life because i can, i still can.

and yet, i want to be able to breathe everything in, calm, serene, pluck that flower from the wayside, sit and soak up the people, the life all about me.
some order to the chaos of this universe.
aand perhaps be able to say to that lone, stray traveller - 'i can be your friend.', and brighten up his world, just like others have done for me.

i am a woman, a lady, ready to seize the day and her fate.
i want to experience life as He has wanted as to experience it, and i want it, i want it all.
i will get what i want, mabe not what i originally wanted or wished for, but what i really want and need because He knows best.

i am beautiful.

bloodiedroses @ 2006-07-26T00:07:00

2006-07-25T16:15:40Z

The Burning of the Leaves- Laurence Binyon

Now is the time for the burning of the leaves,
They go to the fire; the nostrils prick with smoke
Wandering slowly into the weeping mist.
Brittle and blotched, ragged and rotten sheaves!
A flame seizes the smouldering ruin, and bites
On stubborn stalks that crackle as they resist.

The last hollyhock’s fallen tower is dust:
All the spices of June are a bitter reek,
All the extravagant riches spent and mean.
All burns! the reddest rose is a ghost.
Spark whirl up, to expire in the mist: the wild
Fingers of fire are making corruption clean.

Now is the time for stripping the spirit bare,
Time for the burning of days ended and done,
Idle solace of things that have gone before,
Rootless hope and fruitless desire are there:
Let them go to the fire with never a look behind.
That world that was ours is a world that is ours no more.

They will come again, the leaf and the flower, to arise
From squalor of rottenness into the old splendour,
And magical scents to a wondering memory bring;
The same glory, to shine upon different eyes.
Earth cares for her own ruins, naught for ours.
Nothing is certain, only the certain spring.

bloodiedroses @ 2006-06-28T23:45:00

2006-06-28T15:46:37Z

There was a child once.
He came--quite alone--to play in my garden; He was pale and silent.
When we met we kissed each other,
But when he went away, we did not even wave

bloodiedroses @ 2006-06-16T23:05:00

2006-06-16T15:09:41Z

april 18
the slime of all my yesterdays
rots in the hollow of my skull

and if my stomach would contract
because of some explicable phenomenon
such as pregnancy or constipation

I would not remember you

or that because of sleep
infrequent as a moon of greencheese
that because of food
nourishing as violet leaves
that because of these

and in a few fatal yards of grass
in a few spaces of sky and treetops

a future was lost yesterday
as easily and irretrievably
as a tennis ball at twilight
-sylvia plath

and i'll scream it all out now you cant stop me

2006-05-14T08:45:24Z

and i have been... MIA.

haha.

no not really ive been a right obnoxious prat cause my head's been up in the sky and im fit to burst.

haha yea yea knock me out now why dont you.

yes why dont you

heh.

right back atcha.

this is me down on my knees.

2006-04-07T14:41:42Z

allow me to ramble on whilst my jumbled inane thoughts take a course of their own.
but rantings of madmen (and madwomen) should never be taken seriously.

been thinking, and yes i realise that phrase coming from me alarms most people since anything i have to say reeks of drepression or some sort of post-traumatic delusional wayword line of thought.
but fret now, i never disappoint.
hur hur.

anw. uni application's still being processed and its getting increasingly gut-wrenching cause interviews are slated for end of april.
and im torn between anxiety and reluctance to actually step into this new phase in my life.
i was sorta getting used to being stuck in the rut tho i know i complained and grouched endlessly bout it
(and this is why my friends are classified as the absolute greatest-est-est, they're superhuman to be able to stand me for so long) and suddenly sunshine filters and bursts through and tada!! i feel like im so much more enlightened.
and unburdened.
and feel like a million bucks. (tho currently i'm more suspicious that i actually weigh more like a million bucks in dollar coins than actually feeling like it)
ah but that's another insecurity for another day.
i can't use all of them for fodder at one go you know, you might get bored and i might not have anything else to grouch about later on tho i highly doubt that.there's always SOMETHING to gripe and groan about.
we're singaporeans afterall, you could say it's in our, lemme be a little extravagant here, it's in our BLOOD.

back to the anxiety and reluctance to confront this new potentially exhillirating rebirth. yes rebirth. or reawakening. whatever. and whichever sounds more melodramatic. i'm in the mood for something theatrical so indulge me.
tax forms are an absolute chore to assess, god knows. and they deprive you of any wholseome thought or imagination.
barney would be disappointed i must say.
this phase is like some sort of blurred prelude to adulthood which im finding increasingly hard to embrace.
teen angst and heartbreaks aside, i wanna remain in this carefree existence and dont we all, yes i know.
why burden yourself with responsibilities, not only centering around yourself but others.
everything is accounted for.
and well, i guess that's GROWING UP. or being MATURE. or some other sort of euphemism for turning old(er).
being aware that your selfishness has got to give way to selfLESSness.

but then you see, i wonder. does selflessness has anything to do with losing a bit of yourself, gradually and surely?
is maturity but a resignation to things you cant change and accepting things for what they are?
what then becomes of the fighting spirit that is borne in each of us, to change the course of ur fates to suit our own whims? are they really mere ideals entertained by the inexperienced childish mind?
why was roald dahl so against the adult perception does anyone know?
and i may have my very own inept and inexperienced answer to that, lest anyone gets offended or something. there's always something. and there's always unhappy poeple who are unhappy with something. including me.
and thus i digress and admit my own shortcomings first.

anw my hypothesis is this: the adult perception is highly alarming and depressing and inaccurate and other negatively-charged words because it strips everything down to the bare essentials. everything HAS to revolve around a particular cause.
ie. go to work to feed the kids.
marry to get the kids.
and etc. ( no im not against having childeren i just ran out of examples. )
the point is, it takes the fun out of everything.
and suddenly life spirals out of control and throws you out of your own loop.
you dont do something because you love to, you do it becuase you HAVE to. or else.
this hanging sword above the head is even more precarious because it doesnt just loom over you but eveyone else you care about.
but after nearly two decades of life, i should at least know that life is never a bed of roses.

so how DO you actually live out this balancing act on blurred lines between fantasy and reality?
reality for that dose of bitter truths to keep you grounded and fantasies for which to take flight and preserve sanity.
maintain an equilibrium and thats the best you can do.
well, thats my take anyway.

til i have more nonsense to share, adieu.

(am missing you guys very much boo hoo.)

Far Away; Nickelback

2006-03-23T13:27:57Z

This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know,
you know, you know

That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore

On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up
'Cause you know,
you know, you know

So far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know

I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go

you wish.

bloodiedroses @ 2006-03-11T19:25:00

2006-03-11T11:33:01Z

and so i went to disney on ice with the kids..

here i'd like to make a suggestion to LTA -
kids under the age of 10 travelling together in 5 or more should be STRAPPED down to thier seats with seatbelts meant for fighter planes, complete with hand, foot and head cuffs so that no parts of their body(or other loose items) goes flying off at any time during transportation to the desired venue.
(my desired venue for them being the zoo of course, but noone ever takes me seriously. seriously.)

oh and yes. a roll of duct tape each wouldn't be outta place either.
to either stuff into their gaping gaps or to plaster it over, whichever does the best in silencing shrieks so that the bus driver doesn't have to turn around every few seconds to threaten to throw someone out into traffic.
and may we take note each time he does this he takes HIS eyes off the road and my heart leaps into my windpipe thus preventing me from telling anyone else to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE remain seated or i will go over and give you a kiss.
(it works, the kissing part, really hur hur)

'nuff about me griping about these kids cause at the end of the day i still miss them and their brattiness but i can assure thses feelings evaporate instantly when i step into class.
haha.
so long wellington, it's been a good journey of sorts.

and you, would my answer be yes-id-love-to or no-im-never-going-throught-this-again?
i have no idea.

bloodiedroses @ 2006-03-04T23:11:00

2006-03-04T15:16:38Z

beribu bintang dilangit kini menghilang
tinggalkan aku dalam kelam
rembulan mengambang kini makin suram
pudar ilhamku tanpa arah...

hey you. come back ~~quick~~. NOW.

bloodiedroses @ 2006-01-26T23:20:00

2006-01-26T15:21:37Z

haha i make the stupidest, stupidest, STUPIDEST entries!!!

bah. the last entry was so anti-climax to the previous.

baaaaahhh.

bloodiedroses @ 2006-01-26T23:12:00

2006-01-26T15:17:41Z

Never Too Far

You're with me til the bitter end
What we had transcends
This experience too painful to talk about
So I'll hold it in
Til my heart can mend
And be brave enough to love again

A place in time
Still belongs to us
Stays preserved in my mind
In the memories there is solace

Never too far away
I won't let time erase
One bit of yesterday
Cause I have learned that nobody can take your place
Though we can never be
I'll keep you close to me
When I remember

Glittering lights
Incandescent eyes
Still preserved in my mind
In the memories I'll find solace

Never too far away
I won't let time erase
One bit of yesterday
And I have learned that nobody can take your place
Though we can never be
I'll keep you close to me
And I'll remember

A place in time
Still belongs to us
Stays preserved in my mind
In the memories there is solace

Never too far away
I won't let time erase
One bit of yesterday
Cause I have learned that nobody can take your place
And though we can never be
I'll always think of you and me

Always remember..

Love, You're never too far

banished every memory you and i have ever made

2005-12-19T08:27:43Z

THE SHADOW OF A SHADOW OF A DREAM

For those of us who will go on making these terrible transactions of the heart, and for whom dreams will never become substance.

let the embittered emotions come pouring forth, cause i have only this much to say to you:

you give me up not because you don't love me, but because for the present, i do not happen to fit into your grandoise scheme of self-advancement
you want me around, but not to the extent that i will be a risk to your ambitions and public appearance
you want to hold on to me only because you want me to be around for you those times when all your so-called friends and buddies turn their backs on you in pursuit of their own agendas
and you, love me for the wrong reasons.

it is impossible and futile to describe the long hours of talking, of trying to find a way out of a situation that had no way out, of going round in weary interminable circles, of clutching at tiny straws.
we were only deceiving ourselves of course.

and if i used to hold on to that mantra of never giving up, even in suffering so much to hold on, i abandon everything now because there's nothing left in this that's really worth holding on to.
and i have fortunately grown wiser (if i say so myself) and am no longer disillusioned by frivolous romantic dreams.

so long.

- inspired by catherine lim and endless hours of introspection.

oh sure. like these results shocked you. bah

2005-11-02T04:18:31Z

Your Seduction Style: Prized Object

The seduction game you play is tried, true, and still effective: hard to get.
You know that the best seducers turn the tables - and get their crush to seduce them.
The one running has the power, and you're a challenge that is worth the chase.

You are a master of enticing and pulling back. Giving a little and taking some away.
You are controlled enough to know rewards come after a long seduction dance.
Even though you want to call, email, or say "I love you" first - you don't!

You're style is the perfect mix of hot and cold - so much so that you have many suitors.
Think Holly Golightly from Breakfast at Tiffany's ... or any of those creepy guys from the Bachelor.
You're skilled at inspiring a chase. The real test is picking the person to slow down for.

What Kind of Seducer Are You?

bloodiedroses @ 2005-11-02T12:03:00

2005-11-02T04:09:48Z

fancy being hit by the blues the day before raya.

absence makes the heart grow fonder... really?

ive been thinking about you.
and i dunno. i guess im still unsure about where you're coming from.
so what if i think there's still remnants of that that once was
there isn't any now.
never has anyone made me so worthless, unappreciated, loathed, redundant..
noone, noone but you.

i hate this i really do.

i must be the stupidest girl on earth, really.

and yes.. the thats-the-way-my-friends-are crap?
i'm still balking at that.
(its like gee so sorry the americans are out bombing iraq, its just the way ther are- trigger happy)

you know i dont belong to you.

2005-10-03T03:13:15Z

its been a long while since ive written something substantial.
haha.

its been an uninspirational long year i must add. but by the grace of god, the warakkers & tbt are a god-sent.
haha you guys help me reign in my sanity i swear =0)
i love you muchos.

ended up studying at masjud sultan yesterday, wch wasnt a bad thing in the end. ah well alone of course.
but if its b/w u and god u know you dont need anyone else.
then mom had to ask me to go to the sale and well haha no prizes for the correct guess.
but then we found out tt thr wasnt anythg remotely interesting so we're gg shopping again today. yay!

yeah. what a waste of time.
i wasted 2 days worth of mugging.

but im home now, not feeling very well and a bit grouchy seeing how things are.

and if there's one thing i'd like you to know is not to lie to me, no matter what your reasons are.
trust is fundamental. understand that.

// yang pergi hati tak elok, yang tinggal hati tak senang...

bloodiedroses @ 2005-09-28T14:21:00

2005-09-28T06:21:09Z

You are the little prince.

Saint Exupery's 'The Little Prince' Quiz.
brought to you by Quizilla

hahah do i so make the Buttalkers proud.

Barbie Got Back! Go you! You're the closest thing
ever to a true black Barbie. Shake that fat
ass of yours.

If You Were A Barbie, Which Messed Up Version Would You Be?
brought to you by Quizilla

bloodiedroses @ 2005-09-11T12:06:00

2005-09-11T04:06:47Z

hahahaha im just a feaking bitter faggot

bloodiedroses @ 2005-09-11T12:04:00

2005-09-11T04:05:43Z

.. can we go shopping?

(we're not what we used to be.)

Never Try to Trick ME with a Kiss - Sylvia Plath

2005-09-09T15:47:31Z

Never try to trick me with a kiss
Pretending that the birds are here to stay;
The dying man will scoff and scorn at this.

A stone can masquerade where no heart is
And virgins rise where lustful Venus lay:
Never try to trick me with a kiss.

Our noble doctor claims the pain is his,
While stricken patients let him have his say;
The dying man will scoff and scorn at this.

Each virile bachelor dreads paralysis,
The old maid in the gable cries all day:
Never try to trick me with a kiss.

The suave eternal serpents promise bliss
To mortal children longing to be gay;
The dying man will scoff and scorn at this.

Sooner or later something goes amiss;
The singing birds pack up and fly away;
So never try to trick me with a kiss:
The dying man will scoff and scorn at this.

bloodiedroses @ 2005-08-22T22:17:00

2005-08-22T14:17:57Z

hate feeling inferior.

bloodiedroses @ 2005-07-22T13:30:00

2005-07-22T05:31:52Z

i hate me.

bloodiedroses @ 2005-07-06T21:41:00

2005-07-06T13:45:31Z

ive recently begun to wonder how it would feel like again
having someone pop a surprise on you
and just brighten up your entire week
a simple note
a quick hug
a gift for no occasion
a flower lying on the doorstep.
left me with such a fuzzy feeling, it did.

but i forget,like humans do.

bloodiedroses @ 2005-07-04T20:05:00

2005-07-04T12:07:55Z

An Ode to The Mourning Lady Deceased

Had the sun risen a minute sooner
Her untamed hair would not have been damped
Her legs uncrossed from some mangled manner
And her heart beating, jaws unclamped.
Yet the stars have answered the silent prayer
And wiped away her very last murmur,
The roots have tangled, binding her together,
Sending to the earth some caustic tremor.
The worms and creatures begin to wonder
Though they ask they may never be answered
What have made this fair maiden retire?
What of her calouses and head, severed?
She goes in a world where breath is stolen
By wind, and lies and the uncouth vow
Her hero wasted in her dry bosom, swollen,
His poisoned words laced, so foul.
She begins to sob in that silent December
Her cries echoing through the moors of death
Let him hear let him never forget let him remember
'Twas he who yelled I shall steal your breath-

Away, in some cold, winter day,
She has gone away,
Into that hinterland of peace,
A land covered in snow-coloured fleece.

- Nuha Yumn Bahruddin Eilyaas

thanks nuu. i love it.